Humor Medicine News of the Weird Science

How can I get a research project like this one going? (Or Saturday strange and fun science)

Science and medicine are beautiful things. The range of knowledge and research that can be encompassed under their rubric is truly astounding. Indeed, some scientists have all the luck. Some scientists seem to have all the luck. Some scientists seem able to latch onto the best projects:

London, England (CNS) – There is one scientist who is using his knowledge of anatomy to help Hollywood look even more perfect.

Patrick Mallucci has thoroughly researched pictures of celebrity women to compile images of the best looking breasts. His work is supposed to help plastic surgeons create the perfect looking breasts when clients request some work done on their natural assets.

According to Mallucci, British model Caprice has the best chest in the business. Mallucci has declared the posers props to be the best artificial boobs in the business. But there was one girl who wasn’t so lucky.

Posh Spice, otherwise known as Victoria Beckham, loves to flaunt her lady lumps around Hollywood and Fashion Week in figure hugging outfits but there may be some people – especially doctors – who would prefer her not to. Her boobs have been labeled the worst boob job by Mallucci.

Even better, Malluci gets to travel to places like London to present his research findings:


The scientist presented his findings at the Breast Enlargement Conference in London.

He told the Daily Mail newspaper, ;The ideal is a 45 to 55 per cent proportion – that is the nipple sits not at the half-way mark down the breast, but at least 45 per cent from the top.”

According to Mallucci, Beckham’s boobs are “unnaturally round”.

The new research is sure to be useful in Hollywood, where starlets are constantly on a mission to improve their physical appearance in any way they can.

I was a bit skeptical about this article, too. After all, it is reported by an entity known as the Celebrity News Service, which appears to be nothing more than a celebrity gossip service. Who knows how reliable this is?


But wait! The Daily Mail has reported on this too (yes, I know that The Daily Mail might not be any more reliable than the Celebrity News Service), and its report makes Malluci’s research even more envy-provoking:

Patrick Mallucci spent many hours poring over photos of topless models in lads magazines and tabloid newspapers to formulate his theory.

In his opinion, the celebrity with the best pair is Caprice – and the woman with the worst is Posh Spice.

Mr Mallucci will prevent his findings at the first international conference on breast enlargement, to be held in London this week.

In his lecture, titled Concepts in Design for Breast Augmentation, he will express the hope that his insights are used by surgeons providing breast enlargements.

The operation is Britain’s most popular cosmetic surgery procedure, with 6,156 performed last year.

Mr Mallucci said: “I studied a wide variety of photographs of the most popular topless models to work out the various proportions they had in common and what made those particular features attractive.

“These findings allowed me to form a template around which to plan a breast augmentation, and set a standard of aesthetics.

“Obviously personal interpretation and expression has to be accounted for, but this has allowed me to develop a template that I have been using successfully for some time.”

The key aesthetic elements are nipple position and the proportion between the upper and lower halves of the breast, he said.

“The ideal is a 45 to 55 per cent proportion – that is the nipple sits not at the half-way mark down the breast, but at about 45 per cent from the top.”

He added: “All of the models I looked at conformed to these parameters. None of them were augmentedand yet they were clearly considered to have beautiful breasts, so I wanted to examine how that could be achieved in someone not so well-endowed by using an implant.

I must say, Mallucci’s findings are–shall we say?–compelling. However, I do have to wonder if Mr. Mallucci took into account in his research and measurements the massive Photoshopping that is often done to photos of models in lads magazines. I’m also always very skeptical of anyone who pontificates about what is considered aesthetically pleasing based on “science.”

Either way, I think that’s definitely an area that requires more research, as does this. More funding is clearly needed!

(Yes, my tongue is planted firmly in cheek here.)

By Orac

Orac is the nom de blog of a humble surgeon/scientist who has an ego just big enough to delude himself that someone, somewhere might actually give a rodent's posterior about his copious verbal meanderings, but just barely small enough to admit to himself that few probably will. That surgeon is otherwise known as David Gorski.

That this particular surgeon has chosen his nom de blog based on a rather cranky and arrogant computer shaped like a clear box of blinking lights that he originally encountered when he became a fan of a 35 year old British SF television show whose special effects were renowned for their BBC/Doctor Who-style low budget look, but whose stories nonetheless resulted in some of the best, most innovative science fiction ever televised, should tell you nearly all that you need to know about Orac. (That, and the length of the preceding sentence.)

DISCLAIMER:: The various written meanderings here are the opinions of Orac and Orac alone, written on his own time. They should never be construed as representing the opinions of any other person or entity, especially Orac's cancer center, department of surgery, medical school, or university. Also note that Orac is nonpartisan; he is more than willing to criticize the statements of anyone, regardless of of political leanings, if that anyone advocates pseudoscience or quackery. Finally, medical commentary is not to be construed in any way as medical advice.

To contact Orac: [email protected]

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