News of the Weird Politics Religion

Now here’s a candidate who could really sink his teeth into the job


With nearly 20 months to go before the election itself and 10 months before even the first primaries, I’m already bored with the Presidential election of 2008. None of the current candidates does anything for me. One’s a total lightweight who’s in no way ready to be President, and I utterly loathe two others. My reaction to the rest ranges from mild dismay to downright ennui.

Now it’s gotten interesting (or at least entertaining, with the potential for many jokes). Remember Jonathon Sharkey, a.k.a. “The Impaler,” the friendly Satanist who ran for Governor of Minnesota on a platform of impaling criminals and his enemies?

He’s back, this time throwing his hat (such as it is) into the ring for the office of President:

On a stormy rainy night on April 2nd, 1964 in Elizabeth, in the state best known as the Crossroads of the American Revolution, a fierce warrior and fighter was born.

(Figures. He was born in Jersey. In fact, it appears that he lives in Jersey now.)

In 2006, while America was under attack by terrorists, criminals, and ruled by politicians who care more about their own political party and major campaign contributors. An American warrior for the people came forth, just like other New Jersians did in past-times of our country’s great need, to help the innocent, the wrongly persecuted, those of different faiths, beliefs, lifestyles, dreams, and ambitions.

This American is defying the establishment, and will not coward down to the Christian Right Wingers,
nor to the Muslim extremist.

This Patriot has already received more national and international media exposure than any unknown third party candidate in American political history, after announcing on Friday the 13th January, 2006 that a new deal would take office as Governor of Minnesota in 2007, where his Pagan Wife was born and raised.

This American vows to instill fear into those who brutally attacked our great nation on 9-11, as well as criminals who prey upon the weak, the innocent, the elderly and children, by Impaling them for their unlawful actions.

Unfortunately, an enemy from The Impaler’s past, along with other Republicans decided to attack Impaler. Hence ending the quest of becoming governor. But like a true warrior, The Impaler fought back and won. To some, The Impaler is immortal. The Impaler is not just a warrior, a Sanguinary Satanic Vampyre, a Hecate Witch, a lover, but is above all – a “Real American.”

In 2008, there could be only one for President of America.

May it be – Jonathon “The Impaler”

The sad thing is, Sharkey actually looks considerably more appealing than most of the current candidates. That’s not to say that Sharkey is any less loony; it’s just a sad commentary on the current crop of candidates.

So, what will The Impaler do for you, if he’s elected? Easy:

Since Muslims cannot control their own people (bin Laden, al-Qaeda members and other radical Muslim groups), Jonathon will drop Hades’ Bombs on Mecca, leveling it to the ground. Just like bin laden did to our Twin Towers.

Jonathon says; “Osama bin Laden and his followers are just like their (false) prophet Muhammad. They’re nothing more than BITCHES! Hence, Muhammad is the (false) prophet of BITCHES!

The Impaler will end the domestic terrorism that spreads messages of hate and violence against Americans. Jonathon along with his Death Dealers will end the reign of terror caused by the Ku Klux Klan, the Church of Satan and the Nation of Islam. They will also put an end to police brutally. The Los Angeles and the Speedway Police Departments (IN) are a prime example of American “KGB” police tactics. Jonathon and his Death Dealers will execute every officer of these departments, and let their blood cover the streets they are suppose to protect, instead of terrorize. Americans will not have to fear these or any groups/departments that abuse Americans and/or promotes hatred.

Jonathon will support Stem-Cell research and medical advancements to help cure those who suffer from diseases along with other medical problems. Jonathon DOES NOT support Abortion upon demand – Abortion to be used as a form of birth control. Only in cases of rape, incest, or the life/health/well-being of the mother, does Jonathon support the use of Abortion.

As an Ordained Satanic Dark Priest, Jonathon is allowed to perform marriages. He will not only allow Same-Sex Marriages, but will perform them at least once, if not twice a month at The White House.

Jonathon is also appalled by the statements made by Venezuela President Chavez while at the UN. Jonathon feels Chavez insulted Lucifer by saying Bush was the Devil.

The Impaler wants to bring Camelot to Americans, and give every American an equal share of the pie.

Jonathon knows the pain of being a victim of; domestic terrorism, criminals, abuse of government and police powers. No other government leader or candidate can say that. This will enable him to institute laws that will address these problems. Of course, being “The Impaler,” Jonathon will viciously Impale those convicted of these atrocities.

Of course.

In any case, his platform is here. Particularly amusing is his plan to send his Death Dealers into Pakistan to capture Osama bin Laden, so that Sharkey can IMPALE him at Ground Zero (sorry, just mimicking Sharkey’s capitalization). I will admit that Sharkey has a bit of style and that the thought of impaling Osama bin Laden at ground zero to punish him for his crimes has a certain appeal; however, we generally don’t do things that way here in the U.S. for very good reasons Of course, for Sharkey, Osama bin Laden would be just the beginning. He actually has a rather long list of people that he plans to IMPALE if elected, including Dick Cheney, Don Rumsfeld, Fidel Castro (although given that he’s not doing so well these days one wonders: why bother?), and, apparently, George W. Bush, whose blood he promises to drink. (His inclusion of Bush on the list of his impaling list, amusingly enough, won Sharkey a visit from the the Secret Service, who, not unexpectedly, did not look kindly on his promise, regardless of whether it was serious or not).

Lest you think that Sharkey is totally blood-thirsty, though, I do have to point out that he does have a merciful side:

PLEASE NOTE: If any women who belong to a group scheduled to be executed are pregnant at the time, they will NOT be executed!

What a guy, eh? Sounds like any women on his list should get busy later next year, to assure they are pregnant by January 21, 2009.

Ah, well. Loony as he is, he has the potential to liven up what promises to be a painfully earnest, dull, and, most of all, long race. By the time it’s nearing the finish line in 2008, many of us may be asking Sharkey to take his impaling pole and deliver us from the misery.

ADDENDUM: Looks like Sharkey has a blog, too.

By Orac

Orac is the nom de blog of a humble surgeon/scientist who has an ego just big enough to delude himself that someone, somewhere might actually give a rodent's posterior about his copious verbal meanderings, but just barely small enough to admit to himself that few probably will. That surgeon is otherwise known as David Gorski.

That this particular surgeon has chosen his nom de blog based on a rather cranky and arrogant computer shaped like a clear box of blinking lights that he originally encountered when he became a fan of a 35 year old British SF television show whose special effects were renowned for their BBC/Doctor Who-style low budget look, but whose stories nonetheless resulted in some of the best, most innovative science fiction ever televised, should tell you nearly all that you need to know about Orac. (That, and the length of the preceding sentence.)

DISCLAIMER:: The various written meanderings here are the opinions of Orac and Orac alone, written on his own time. They should never be construed as representing the opinions of any other person or entity, especially Orac's cancer center, department of surgery, medical school, or university. Also note that Orac is nonpartisan; he is more than willing to criticize the statements of anyone, regardless of of political leanings, if that anyone advocates pseudoscience or quackery. Finally, medical commentary is not to be construed in any way as medical advice.

To contact Orac: [email protected]

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